Narcissistic Workplace Bullying and What To Do About It
Have you experienced workplace bullying too? Here is my story — and my advice.
The worst bullies are the charming ones. They use their charm as a smokescreen to stop anyone from suspecting that they are capable of mistreating anyone. They probably charmed you too, in the beginning. Before they started their slow and barely noticeable campaign against you. Maybe it started with a slightly off comment or a brush-off. Maybe you caught a fleeting look on their face where they revealed their true self, just before the mask came back on again. You start to question yourself more and more. You feel that you’re not as good at your job as you thought you were; that your skills, your knowledge, your ideas are not needed and you should keep your head down and do as you’re told. After a while, you pull back. You lose some of your spark, your enthusiasm for the job. You become less proactive because every time you were proactive, your efforts were dismissed. But no, it must be you, not them. Everyone else likes them so you should too. Maybe there really is something wrong with you.
I fell into this trap. Narcissistic abuse is insidious and confusing and can take its toll on your mental health if you’re not vigilant.
I was bullied by two different bosses in two different companies. It took me a long time to come around to what was happening because in both cases, the bullies were narcissists. They were incredibly charming, well-spoken and adored by all. They showered people with attention and praise, and got the same in return. That’s why it took me by surprise when their behaviour towards me changed.
Narcissist #1: Charismatic Charmer
The first guy, who was my supervisor and the only other member of my small team, did things like lying to me about projects and opportunities. He would tell me he was giving them to me, only to take them himself without explanation. He would leave the lunch table whenever I tried to sit down to talk to him, and dismissed my ideas and suggestions. Every time I tried to be proactive, he would remind me that I was too young and inexperienced to do the job properly (I was 31 with solid experience in my field). But every once in a while he would offer me praise that sounded genuine, which blindsided me and kept me believing that maybe he had a bad day when he brushed me off. I waited for more praise and validation from him. But his inconsistent behaviour slowly chipped away at my self-esteem. I became despondent and demotivated.
I began dreading going to work, but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. I blamed myself for not being good enough. I questioned my career choice and fantasised about becoming a florist or a baker, jobs I perceived to be more pleasant than mine.
But then, something flipped in my head. I caught myself spiralling into depression and thought long and hard about what was causing these feelings. It was him. My supervisor. He was treating me with disrespect, pure and simple. I didn’t know why and I didn’t need to know. I wanted it to stop. I spoke to several people, including the company director, but it didn’t lead to any solutions. Finally, I confronted the bully. One day, he spoke to me in a very aggressive tone, blaming me for not doing something that I had, in fact, done. Enough was enough. Right there, in front of other colleagues, we commenced a loud and heated argument. We continued it in another room, where he actually yelled at me. I reported his behaviour to the company director but again, nothing was done. Feeling let down, I decided to leave the company shortly after.
Narcissist #2: The Smooth Talker
I wish I could say I moved on to greener pastures but alas, the universe had more to teach me. The second bully was harder to spot because he wasn’t as overt as the previous one. He had a more subtle charm, a demeanour that made people trust him. He presented himself as very intelligent and knowledgeable, and he knew how to adjust his words to whoever he was talking to. I fell for it. For months I believed everything he said because he always told me exactly what I wanted to hear. I started at the company with renewed energy and confidence and trusted that my boss believed in my skills and knowledge.
It was only when a colleague and friend at the same company told me that she thought she was being bullied by him. He withheld information from her and excluded her from important meetings and events, sometimes as punishment for not doing something she didn’t know she was supposed to do. He took the credit for her achievements, never acknowledged her work and made her feel inadequate. This was especially odd since she had more experience in certain areas of the work than he did.
Or was it really that odd? Narcissists are deeply insecure and anxious people. They thrive on putting others down to feed their own ego. They use manipulation, gaslighting and gossip to control and put their victims down. My friend’s mental and physical health suffered and she quit shortly after. I was forced to observe my boss’s behaviour more closely.
Sure enough, I noticed that his words and his actions frequently didn’t match. He would talk the talk convincingly and confidently, but rarely offered genuine solutions or support unless there was something in it for him. I noticed, also, that he took pleasure in spreading negative gossip about colleagues and openly criticising people to others when the subject of the conversation wasn’t there. Not cool for a person in a leadership position. Not cool ever, really.
As the novelty of the job started to wear off, I started to feel like something wasn’t right. I would go to my boss with ideas and solutions but I was usually brushed off. I offered my expertise for various projects but was turned away without explanation. Meetings were held that I was never told about and I was being left out of communications. Opportunities and promotions went to people without any consultation with others, including myself, who might have been eligible. I felt like I was being deliberately held back. Again, I started to feel inadequate and despondent. Again, I started dreading going to work. For a while, I thought that maybe I had come across as too arrogant by being proactive and flaunting my knowledge and experience, and this was my punishment, but on reflection, I really hadn’t. A good leader would have known how to use my skills and nourish my enthusiasm. This one didn’t because this one was a narcissist. He was threatened by me and wanted to keep me down to keep the spotlight on himself.
What you can do
This is the point in the story where I wish I could share with you some act of heroism on my part. A confrontation; a legal case; a victory. None of that happened, and I’ll tell you why. Bullying and narcissism are hard to prove unless you have a lot of hard evidence, someone willing to listen and money to pay a lawyer. Since I had none of those things, I turned to self-preservation until I could remove myself from the toxic environment. Based on my experiences, here are some solutions I can offer if you happen to find yourself in a similar situation:
Develop acute awareness
Pay close attention to the culture around you. Look out for any signs of negativity or toxicity and work out where they’re coming from. There might be a narcissist at the center of it and it might not necessarily be your boss. Tune in to how you feel after interactions with this person. Do you mostly feel good, supported and appreciated, or dismissed, ignored or belittled? If negative feelings come up, keep track of them. Write them down in a notebook with dates, locations and names. But stay strong and don’t let self-doubt creep in! We can’t always be 100% happy at work but there should be a degree of satisfaction, a sense of purpose and good relationships with colleagues and superiors.
Develop a self-support mindset
Remind yourself on a daily or weekly basis what your strengths are. You are capable, you are knowledgeable, you are creative. Define your boundaries. Never allow others to make you feel inferior and inadequate. Job performance feedback should be communicated clearly and explicitly, not passive-aggressively or manipulatively. It’s amazing what a difference genuine praise from a supervisor can make, but in many workplaces it’s rare. If that’s the case for you, learn to praise yourself.
Take action
This is a tricky one but it might be necessary. I worked for very small companies without HR departments, so it was really hard for me to find someone who could help me. If you have an HR manager you could speak to, they would be your first port of call. Alternatively, you could speak to someone else in a position of power and see if they can help you find a solution. If you are able to, you could seek legal advice. You will need to be prepared with some evidence. This could be a log of events, emails and testimonies from other employees. Find out what the laws around workplace bullying are in your country.
Consider moving on
Your job is not your whole world. We tend to define ourselves by our jobs and careers. We attach our identity to our work, so thinking about leaving can be difficult. You might have pinned future goals on your current job, so to leave feels like abandoning those goals and the future you imagined for yourself. It’s easy to tell someone to simply quit, I get it. There’s actually a lot of mental preparation that needs to happen before we are ready to walk away. Not to mention the risk of jeopardizing financial commitments. But, maybe now is the time to ask yourself if you are truly fulfilled in your current job and plant the seed of an alternative. Your mental health is important and walking away could be a necessary act of self care. Plus, more often than not, a negative experience is the nudge we need to move towards something better.
It was for me.
